Sigh. You have missed so much , my dear journal.
I predict that you have missed a whole chunk from my book of my life journey. I didnt mention on the previous post.. But I went out with Kevin
twice. So many things were happening and now we are apart. Call me mushy, but I still have feelings for him. In the past 5 weeks, I missed him everyday, every morning & every night. Although i had a bf at the same time, my feelings couldnt let go. I realised that My Love for him was just torturing me , because I cried almost everyday. there was a moment where i forgot about him and i thought i had moved on. but the urge to speak to him kept annoying me. It was around 3-4 weeks , that I hadnt spoken to him. My friends who had hated him before, told me that he has changed. He has become more studious and not fighting anymore. I felt so proud of him. My heart skipped a beat. I knew it was time to speak to him. But he never answered me. His friend told me many things, from how he also still loved me and how he cant forget about me. But how could kevin not reply anything I wrote him? he was so cold to me, i cried for that reason too.
My heart ached. My eyes burned. And my pool of tears never ended. For sometime I was certain i was depressed. Depressed that i had wasted the precious thing i had in life to escape from my hands. No boy has ever made me feel this way. The final time i spoke with him - i yelled at him speaking in english but of course he didnt understand. When i confessed that i still liked him, he confessed as well. But that was the ever last time he spoke. From that day on, he didnt respond to any of my emails and IM's. I felt like i was going in my depressed mood again. and i did. i wrote him a final note on facebook, i mentioned the song - kenangan terindah - and i wrote him a poem. I even wrote the letter of his first name to state and prove that it is for him, and him only. I admit it is emo. Emo. Emo . and Emo. I feel like my heart has been ripped. I feel like my heart has stopped beating. No matter how many goodlooking guys i see out side of kevins world, my heart returns to him. only him. I saw him ONLINE and so i told him. (knowing that he wasnt gonna reply anyway.), i told him, kevin, i wrote u a note on fb. i hope you read it, because its for you.. and i left. he never replied my message . as i'd predicted. Last week, His friend told me to sms him, and so i did today, but yet i still get no reply. Today, But his brother told me that apparently he does hate me. But he mentioned it with a smile, so his brother thinks that hes lying. So what should I do? PLay the game and try to hate him too so that I can forget about him? I dont know.. If we are meant to be, then we will get back together,
but if not, his name is clearly written in my heart, for ever. Because its like he has stolen my heart. And if he is trying to hate me to forget about me, there is no point in trying anymore. I have to do the same. I have to forget about him. No matter what my heart says, i have to forget him.
i must.
and i will.
Aku dulu sayang kamu , Kevin. Aku dulu selalu berharap kalau aku dapat menerima pelukan hangat dari mu lagi. rasa sayang dari mu lagi. dan rasa yg sama waktu aku jatuh cinta sama kamu. I want to fall in love with you , again. I never want to never let you go... but i have to. because that is your decision. and i must respect that. Your name is still written in my heart. And the door is always open for you baby.
Love forever & always,
-Merry, with tears. xo * a memory i taught him.. *
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