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I'm feeling low . ha . reminds me of what shaun said about my blog last term . apparently my blog is like a representation of what pms is like. at times i'm like super duper happy . then i'm like suddenly so low . ha , i dont even know why i do that . seriously . i havent 'officially blogged' nowadays, meaning my posts aren't filled with long essays . So i guess this one will be . i'm not sure why i feel like this . i havent exactly studied today , and i dont understand why i'm not . i should be . i want to . but my body isnt really responding . i'm still recovering from my sickness , and my nose is so sore ! It's actually quite disgusting , and i'm like afraid to go back to school with it . so i really hope the scars and irratation on my face will recover by monday . i'm gonna try to figure out what my problem is - why i'm a little upset . there are so many bits and pieces in my head right now and i'l do my best to express them through this blog .

My first confession is - i'm really afraid to face term 4 . i'm really scared of exams and failing another subject . well i didnt fail anything last term, thank God . but thinking back to semester one , i did horrible on all my exams . and i dont want to do it again . i know that these exams will determine whether i make it into year 12 or not . i feel like crying every time i think about this . i'm not ready to face all the essays, tests , assignments and orals that lay ahead of me . then when will i have time to study for exams ? i mean , i have to re-study everything that i have learnt this year . i'm seriously . . what's another word for scared ? wait , a word that is beyond scared ? . I dont know . I feel like crying every night every time i think about this . God, please help me . . I beg of you to give me courage to face this term .

My second confession is - i'm getting sick of facebook . yeah okay i admit you might see my name every now and then , but seriously , i get so lazy waiting for the dang page to load , especially now that my only source is through my phone . and the internet is being a pain , so i'm like ugh . and theres no gossip going arounnnndd so theres nothing interesting going on..... just a whole bunch of pictures of people taking photos of themselves, or random ramblings and statuses that i dont even understand by indo people , and whatnot . twitter is becoming popular , i've noticed . but i dont really know how to use it so yeahhhhhhh .

My third confession is - i feel that a part of my friendship is fading away . there are a few indications that i get every now and then , and im not sure whether they feel the same or not . i dont even know if its just me getting paranoid , but i feel so distant . i try to communicate but they dont even try to respond very enthusiastically . it makes me feel , i dont know , arent we suppose to be friends ? who are always happy if we are talking to one another ? i get this really paranoid feeling that they are bored of me , or sick of me and the thing is i dont even know the reason because they never tell me ! .it makes me feel so down when friendship has its season  . and what i mean by season , is like , there are seasons when we are extreme bestfriends or when its "winter" season, then that is when our friendship freezes and all of a sudden  we arent really talking to eachother and our relationship feels distant . I dont understand how this works . and i'm really sick of it . i really would like to say that i dont have a care in the world , but the fact is , i really do . friendship is what keeps me alive throughout my moments of boredom , emo-ness , the need for care love and advice . friendship is all about being soul sisters . though now i dont even understand . if you're reading this and you feel that im relating this to you , then that's already indicating that you are aware of this whole awkward silence thing . i dont mean to offend you , i'm just expressing how much i miss you .

My fourth confession is - i dont know who i really am . a bit silly i guess , but its true . I havent found out who i truely am . I'm always confused whether i am the real me at home or at school . people say that we are our true selves at home , but i disagree . because i think that school and the people around us influences our behaviour , and so we bring that behaviour - which we have already gotten used to , into our home lives . and seriously i dont even know myself . im always so moody and i can never express what i truely feel , honestly . then i just end up being emo at home and my parents dont even know why. i cant even explain why . sigh . im so weird like this . i dont even know what i'm going on about now , so i'l skip to the next confession .

My fifth confession is - i've recently been thinking about kevin . not to be stalkerish or anything , but i was reading a note on facebook (written by his now - ex - girlfriend) , and it told me every piece of detail that was missing from my story around 2 months ago when i was dating him . i found out the reason why he was always cold to me without reason , why he never wanted to expose the fact that we were dating again publically , and why he was always acting so suspiciously . so i was right . i told you that before i had a feeling that he was hiding something from me , but he always blamed me for always being too suspicious or too paranoid . ugh , what a lier ! he was only taking advantage of my weaknesses, so that he could wait for the right time to use it as an excuse that our relationship isnt going the perfect way and that was the only way he could brake up with me . to use my suspicion as an excuse for us not being suitable for one another ! when it was him who actually lied to me . he lied to me once again . he never really loved me . and how can i say this ? because he cheated on me . AGAIN.  i feel so used and so stupid for believing in his lies . no wonder he never really treated me seriously the 3rd time . i can't even say further more because i'm just really disappointed in him . disappointed at myself for trusting him in the first place . what ever love i had for him before, is now broken .

My sixth confession is - i'm really beginning to become self concious of my body . after seeing every one in indonesia being so thin and realising that the clothes they were selling were too small for me , really influenced the way i see things now . it made me somewhat jealous and angry . jealous because i cant fit into anything and i cant wear open clothes so confidently. angry because those slim girls can buy every single clothes on the clothes rack at every store! i cant do that! and in indo, thin is considered to be beautiful . being fat or chuby is like . . putting your self under a spot light and giving a chance for people to look at you and tease you whatever is on their sick minds . like people will call you fat and to loose weight . it makes me so sad that i'm one of those. i get called fat alot in indo . i got called fat at my own school by a chinese boy from my own school! in my own year level! well technically he didnt call me fat . . but he said - "Merry, you should loose weight to look better." and that hurt my feelings . like i know he was trying to tell me for my own good, but it still offended me slightly . anyways , ive already given up on something because i'm still on my way to recovery from my sickness , so im like eating alot this week . but i want to promise myself to not give in to junk food or excessive sizes for my dinner or lunches . i better stick to small sized meals . i want to be healthier . losing weight doesnt mean that i want to become super thin , but i want to be slim . like at least my ARMS for goodness sake! i hate my arm size ! :( grrr . i just want to lose weight! some of you might already be shaking your heads in disbelief how easily indonesia culture has influenced me , but seriously , i want to FEEL beautiful . i'm sick of having to hear all these negative comments about how chubby i am . or how much i have grown fatter . i have lived in denial for a very long time and i am sick of it . after all this time, i have accepted all these hurtful comments , smiling as though i didnt feel insulted one bit , but now , it's time for change . i just want to shove it up in their mouths after i have changed my body shape . i know that right now im sounding really weak for not sticking up for the curvy girls in this world , but lets face it . the world now sees 'slim' as being beautiful . even YOU and I have judged a person by their size , right ? conciously or subconsiously, being in your mind or being spoken aloud , you HAVE judged a person by the way they look physically . this whole "thin" thing is really controversial , and i know there are many inspiraring people out there who defend the fat people, but seriously , lets just face it. The whole "slim is better to look at" slogan has always won the debate and always will . It has already brainwashed the majority minds of the people in the world.  there are still designers who only design for the slim , there are too many artists, celebrities and models who are very beautiful and show off their hot body to the world - which has made a huge impact towards peoples opinions about this issue . and it is because this reason ! we see these people in outifts that we love , and then we admit that THEY LOOK GOOD because it is their size of their body !  I mean , i adore and inspire women who are GOOD curvy like jordin sparks , who seem to look beautiful in everything they wear, but unfortunetly , some CURVES aren't just as good as others , and those people dont look as great as others . so there , i may sound like im turning into a conformist but i'm just stating facts . back to my own problem , i just want to be slimmer because for my own personal reasons. I have friends who are also self concious and i blame the world for this . the idea of beautiful has changed , and so , fat people lose their confidence . and some of these people want to lose weight because they too want to feel good, be confident for once , and stop being insulted . so just let them lose weight! some people i know always get angry at the idea of me wanting to lose weight because they think that its stupid how im influenced by what others say about me . but the truth is,  im sick of having to find clothes that i love but dont fit me . im sick of nasty comments i get from guys and girls about my size . im sick of being self concious about my body . Thats why i want to change so that i will feel GOOD and be CONFIDENT for once - to also have that feeling that I TOO, AM BEAUTIFUL . because every girl of course wants to be beautiful , not be seen as some fat-so who wears social suicide clothes . so seriously , thats how i feel . i want to change, because for once.. i want to have that feeling of feeling good about myself and be happy for my whole life .

i think they are all my confessions for now . i'm sure there's more in my head , but those 6 things are the major topics stuck in my head . excuse the essay that i just wrote about the whole losing weight thing . as you probably notice, im not that great at expressing my ideas.. but im sure you get my point . please dont view it as a negative thing.. i just want to let out the kinds of feeling a 'fat or chubby' girl may have in this world . how they lose their self esteem at anything . and you might not even notice that they are feeling it inside their hearts . and for those who tease fat girls , please just stop . they already feel sad enough about having to face with reality . some girls just have really bad metabolism (like me! xp ) while others have fabulous metabolisms . so deal with it . no need to kill a girl's confidence by insulting comments okay ? im already annoyed at Indonesia's society for already being overly judgemental about fat people . so yeahhh .

anyways , until next time :) xxxxxxxxx

INDONESIA TRIP 2010 

On the first two days of Indo, we went to Bali . We didnt go shopping (grrrr), but we experienced becoming a farmer (by planting rice, and ploughing in the mud filled with poop and other bacteria that I can imagine) , practicing our bargaining skills (where Wafi and tambie got ripped off the most) , and finally arriving at Lovina Resort. The place was really nice, because it was situated at a beach. So that night, me and my friends were all playing around at the beach during sunset and we took so much friendship photos , and we all attempted to do that jumping movement but as you can see in that photo beside, we all failed number of times. hahahaha. but it was all fun :) During the trip , all of us became really close, and we all hung out in the same bedroom where we laughed for hours at our photos . We were really loud until our next door neighbour knocked on our door to tell us to be quiet. haahhaha . and when there was a knock, EVERYBODY just DIVED behind the bed. Especially Fauzan Wafie and Malanu. hahahahaha. then the only brave person to open the door was Emma then Tambie. hahaha :P I actually have lots of video of us laughing but I somehow cant upload them! :(  Anyways, the next day , we went dolphin sight seeing . The water was so beautiful.. then the next day, we travelled to Malang by a ferry to head towards Mount Bromo. 

Karli and Danni                                      

The mini bus heading towards Malang

Shopping in Bandung

Shopping in Plaza Senayan

In Ancol Dufan

Tornado . The scariest ride ever .

So yahhh , basically we went to a different city everyday . We woke up at 5 - 5.30 everyday . So we were tired everyday . hahahaha . but it was really fun anyways , because during the bus trips the year 11's always had fun . We even attempted to have a little mini karaoke / disco in the bus . hahahaha. and yeahhhh . we went shopping from time to time , but it was difficult cuz we only had around 1 - 2 hours :( so yeahhhh . and during the trip , Fauzan became an instant celebrity, cuz heaps of randoms thought he was hot . :p and i became quite close to him which was nice :) . Tambie and malanu were the amplifiers cuz they were the loudest when laughing . Wafie was high at times :p . we developed this codename "Rhino" . hahahaha. and we also developed a name trademark - "DAYUM" . Basically alot of things happened and we made a list . Now we just have to wait for tambie to write it cuz its on her notebook . hehe . anyway , the indo trip was really fun and i dont think i will ever forget it . xx

hey readers, sorry that I havent been blogging for a couple of weeks now . I noticed that my viewing rate has dropped by a mile . hahahaha . lol . I was actually in Indonesia for 2 weeks with my lovely friends (as you can see in the above picture) . We visited so many places in the first week, then on the second week, we did student exchange with the Al Azhar school in Jakarta which was a rather interesting experience (for every individual) , because we each stayed at different host families , except for jordan & wafi , and Jess & Sarah .  Anyways , I might post up a couple of photos (not that you havent seen any before , since HEAPS are already on facebook . lol . ) but yeah anyway .! :) xx miss blogging . miss being creative . miss you . 

......TOP......

( from the korean band: big bang )

Whoaaahh! He looks good. :)

Guys, IM SO SORRY for that twitter log in thing that always appears on the front page of my blog! I'm really sorry! But I dont know how to get it off , and if i find the code thats making it do it, then il get it off asap!

weheartit.com

Hello everyone... I found the image on the left , from weheartit.com, and I think its so beautiful. I wish I had thick eyelashes like her! Seriously, i envy her right about now.. cuz my eyelashes are so thin and i dont even have much bottom layer eyelashes.. and so if i wear mascara, it doesn't even have that wow factor like this girl... ~sigh.

Oh, I just realised, after writing about the facebook incident, my rating went much higher... :\ i think around 40 people visited my blog at that time. like wow... after being like 5 people or so from the previous weeks, its just surprising - that's all. anyways, last Sunday I went to school to do my math portfolio with my friends , like Wilson , Emma , Audrey... and also Sokhom came along , so we all hung out together. And cuz I was working in the blue room , and all the boarders were having lunch, Frankie saw me and came to talk to me for a while~ .And then I had lunch with Wilson and Sokhom at the Ying Yang eating place . And we were saying how Wilson was wearing such nice clothes... so he made everyone feel less fashionable. lol xD but anyways, he looked good so it wasnt a bad thing :) hehe . Oh . Btw, as soon as we arrived at Ying Yang , we were greeted by all the year 10 boarders who were ALL on their laptops playing World of Warcrafts Dota. It was seriously intense and just ridiculous. The guy serving the food at the restaurant eventually told them off - "HEY BOYS! Stop playing and eat!" But of course they were too absorbed to notice... and they were so dead serious about the game, until if they did a mistake or something ... they would just swear out of no where and really loud too... and we were just like what the... and you know what... there were also other people at the restaurant... so ... it was a little bit embarrassing , because yes, unfortunately these are the guys from our school ... -sigh- hahaha... nevermind, here's the picture of them below. Some of the heads are covered... and there were two more guys on the left side but they arent in the photo...:

Intense gaming by the year 10 guys .
to make matters worse, it was at a RESTAURANT!

thappiness.tumblr.com

Anyways , in these past two days, there has been a serious drama going on in my social life. You know how I like this guy at my school right... well I found out something that really broke my heart. It was all so shocking to finally get told the truth. He knew everything, he saw everything happen , yet he never did anything to stop me from falling for him . I was disappointed in him . Really so disappointed in him . Why? Because after all this time, he lead me on , tricked me into believing that he felt something too.. but I was wrong. After finding out the truth, it feels like my face has just been slapped or something. My dear friend told me the truth after he was really sick of watching everything happen in front of him . He felt sorry for me for having to waste alot of my time, when he isnt even thinking about me at all. Since I'm a really emotional person, and I'm sure I'm not the only girl who feels the same way , so I rang all my friends, including frankie and leo. I had to ring frank because I knew that he would give me emotional support and advice. And I had to ring my bestfriends, because they knew what I was going through. How much I thought that I had finally found someone new who made me happy. Seriously , they all hated him and thought he was a jerk because they too were also fooled into believing the he might have liked me. I cried after ringing Ashley, after all the memories of me and him flooding in my mind. and whilst ringing frank, I cried too, but his words made me stop crying, because i felt like a baby. But soon after , he sent me the most caring email ever. There was one particular quote which I liked , that was : "No one is worth your tears. Unless if its your parents or someone you love like them." . Thankfully, I was soon comforted by those who i love <3 and I managed to not cry that night , so I'm proud of my achievement.  Another guy who really cares for me is Wilson. He is so sweet to me , like an older brother . He looked after me during the ski trip too . Everytime I would fall, he would help me back up. And so yesterday he was telling me to end this whole drama . He was sick of everything happening...  and he told me to take control. I told him of how scared I was to face Franco, but he supported me . I asked him , "wilson, what if I end up crying tomorrow? Will you be there for me?" and he answered - "I will be as close to you as possible, physically and mentally" . that touched my heart , because I though that it was really sweet .

Today after school , I avoided looking at Franco cuz i was just so sick of everything . Though after school , i was contemplating whether I should talk to him about it or not . Then as I saw him walking past , I shouted out his name. and for a second i went - shit! why did i call him!? . but it was too late cuz he was already beside me waiting for me to speak. So i told him i wanted to talk to him. And this is where it all began.... 

All the thoughts I had in my head, weren't coming out of my mouth. Crap - i thought. Like seriously, for 10 minutes, I just stood there trying to explain to him, but literally nothing came out from my mouth! Although I wanted to tell him and ask him so many things, I didnt know where to begin! Finally, after building up courage,  I told him that I know that he knows , but he played dumb , and waited for me to elaborate. So out of no where, I either had a sudden courage over-flow or just a automatic response, where I said to him - Look, I know that you know that I liked you. There I said it. - He just kinda kept walking (since we were originally walked around the school) , and gave no reply . That action was a good enough confirmation that he had no special feelings towards me. -sigh- But anyway, after that tallk , I somewhat felt relived . Perhaps maybe because I dont have to think about the whole situation ever again , because we cleared things out and now we are like normal friends. So yeah . 

waaaaaaaaa..... Taeyangs music video - I'll be there . Dang it , hes so hot.

 I have a new layout! :D & I'm loving it!

It's simple and cute and fits nicely with all the images I post on my blog!

So I hope you like it too ~

P.s if you're wondering where the music is coming from , its different from my other blog. This time its at the bottom left hand corner of this blog . 

Thanks sweetie ~ x

This is exactly what I feel, every time I see you smile as you walk past me.

I think I just found my new Tumblr crush! :- http://thappiness.tumblr.com/ ♥

awwww . hahahaha . sorrry , i just posted this up cuz i thought it was cute . it some what relates to me ? well it used to, anyway . lol . Life has been alright . Lots of drama happened last night , and this morning too . I'm too tired to write it down here , cuz i've repeated the same story to all my friends anyway . so , yah . but today i was just picked on by these two girls from school for no reason . Like i hadnt even done anything to them and then they decided to repeat my wall-to-wall comment (on tambie's wall) as their status . and then the other laughed . like wth . i mean its okay if they thought it was funny or odd cuz my words were odd, but that doesnt necessarily mean that they have to repeat it and post it as their status . like wth . so i got quite angry and deleted them from fb. and i was gonna attack them back , which i did , but then i got told off for being too bitchy by another stupid guy from year 12 , and so i deleted it and thought that i should stop being immature and quit it. Cuz they arent worth my time anyway . As I said , I usually dont start to pick a fight with someone without reason, unlike both of them. One is a faker , always being so - ohhhh xxxxxxxxx - i love youuu - what a nice dinner i had - blah blah blah . and the other is so bitchy with the whole fuck you attitude to all her friends. so yeah . whatever . im not over it , but il just keep calm for now to prevent any other fights.