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I'm feeling low . ha . reminds me of what shaun said about my blog last term . apparently my blog is like a representation of what pms is like. at times i'm like super duper happy . then i'm like suddenly so low . ha , i dont even know why i do that . seriously . i havent 'officially blogged' nowadays, meaning my posts aren't filled with long essays . So i guess this one will be . i'm not sure why i feel like this . i havent exactly studied today , and i dont understand why i'm not . i should be . i want to . but my body isnt really responding . i'm still recovering from my sickness , and my nose is so sore ! It's actually quite disgusting , and i'm like afraid to go back to school with it . so i really hope the scars and irratation on my face will recover by monday . i'm gonna try to figure out what my problem is - why i'm a little upset . there are so many bits and pieces in my head right now and i'l do my best to express them through this blog .

My first confession is - i'm really afraid to face term 4 . i'm really scared of exams and failing another subject . well i didnt fail anything last term, thank God . but thinking back to semester one , i did horrible on all my exams . and i dont want to do it again . i know that these exams will determine whether i make it into year 12 or not . i feel like crying every time i think about this . i'm not ready to face all the essays, tests , assignments and orals that lay ahead of me . then when will i have time to study for exams ? i mean , i have to re-study everything that i have learnt this year . i'm seriously . . what's another word for scared ? wait , a word that is beyond scared ? . I dont know . I feel like crying every night every time i think about this . God, please help me . . I beg of you to give me courage to face this term .

My second confession is - i'm getting sick of facebook . yeah okay i admit you might see my name every now and then , but seriously , i get so lazy waiting for the dang page to load , especially now that my only source is through my phone . and the internet is being a pain , so i'm like ugh . and theres no gossip going arounnnndd so theres nothing interesting going on..... just a whole bunch of pictures of people taking photos of themselves, or random ramblings and statuses that i dont even understand by indo people , and whatnot . twitter is becoming popular , i've noticed . but i dont really know how to use it so yeahhhhhhh .

My third confession is - i feel that a part of my friendship is fading away . there are a few indications that i get every now and then , and im not sure whether they feel the same or not . i dont even know if its just me getting paranoid , but i feel so distant . i try to communicate but they dont even try to respond very enthusiastically . it makes me feel , i dont know , arent we suppose to be friends ? who are always happy if we are talking to one another ? i get this really paranoid feeling that they are bored of me , or sick of me and the thing is i dont even know the reason because they never tell me ! .it makes me feel so down when friendship has its season  . and what i mean by season , is like , there are seasons when we are extreme bestfriends or when its "winter" season, then that is when our friendship freezes and all of a sudden  we arent really talking to eachother and our relationship feels distant . I dont understand how this works . and i'm really sick of it . i really would like to say that i dont have a care in the world , but the fact is , i really do . friendship is what keeps me alive throughout my moments of boredom , emo-ness , the need for care love and advice . friendship is all about being soul sisters . though now i dont even understand . if you're reading this and you feel that im relating this to you , then that's already indicating that you are aware of this whole awkward silence thing . i dont mean to offend you , i'm just expressing how much i miss you .

My fourth confession is - i dont know who i really am . a bit silly i guess , but its true . I havent found out who i truely am . I'm always confused whether i am the real me at home or at school . people say that we are our true selves at home , but i disagree . because i think that school and the people around us influences our behaviour , and so we bring that behaviour - which we have already gotten used to , into our home lives . and seriously i dont even know myself . im always so moody and i can never express what i truely feel , honestly . then i just end up being emo at home and my parents dont even know why. i cant even explain why . sigh . im so weird like this . i dont even know what i'm going on about now , so i'l skip to the next confession .

My fifth confession is - i've recently been thinking about kevin . not to be stalkerish or anything , but i was reading a note on facebook (written by his now - ex - girlfriend) , and it told me every piece of detail that was missing from my story around 2 months ago when i was dating him . i found out the reason why he was always cold to me without reason , why he never wanted to expose the fact that we were dating again publically , and why he was always acting so suspiciously . so i was right . i told you that before i had a feeling that he was hiding something from me , but he always blamed me for always being too suspicious or too paranoid . ugh , what a lier ! he was only taking advantage of my weaknesses, so that he could wait for the right time to use it as an excuse that our relationship isnt going the perfect way and that was the only way he could brake up with me . to use my suspicion as an excuse for us not being suitable for one another ! when it was him who actually lied to me . he lied to me once again . he never really loved me . and how can i say this ? because he cheated on me . AGAIN.  i feel so used and so stupid for believing in his lies . no wonder he never really treated me seriously the 3rd time . i can't even say further more because i'm just really disappointed in him . disappointed at myself for trusting him in the first place . what ever love i had for him before, is now broken .

My sixth confession is - i'm really beginning to become self concious of my body . after seeing every one in indonesia being so thin and realising that the clothes they were selling were too small for me , really influenced the way i see things now . it made me somewhat jealous and angry . jealous because i cant fit into anything and i cant wear open clothes so confidently. angry because those slim girls can buy every single clothes on the clothes rack at every store! i cant do that! and in indo, thin is considered to be beautiful . being fat or chuby is like . . putting your self under a spot light and giving a chance for people to look at you and tease you whatever is on their sick minds . like people will call you fat and to loose weight . it makes me so sad that i'm one of those. i get called fat alot in indo . i got called fat at my own school by a chinese boy from my own school! in my own year level! well technically he didnt call me fat . . but he said - "Merry, you should loose weight to look better." and that hurt my feelings . like i know he was trying to tell me for my own good, but it still offended me slightly . anyways , ive already given up on something because i'm still on my way to recovery from my sickness , so im like eating alot this week . but i want to promise myself to not give in to junk food or excessive sizes for my dinner or lunches . i better stick to small sized meals . i want to be healthier . losing weight doesnt mean that i want to become super thin , but i want to be slim . like at least my ARMS for goodness sake! i hate my arm size ! :( grrr . i just want to lose weight! some of you might already be shaking your heads in disbelief how easily indonesia culture has influenced me , but seriously , i want to FEEL beautiful . i'm sick of having to hear all these negative comments about how chubby i am . or how much i have grown fatter . i have lived in denial for a very long time and i am sick of it . after all this time, i have accepted all these hurtful comments , smiling as though i didnt feel insulted one bit , but now , it's time for change . i just want to shove it up in their mouths after i have changed my body shape . i know that right now im sounding really weak for not sticking up for the curvy girls in this world , but lets face it . the world now sees 'slim' as being beautiful . even YOU and I have judged a person by their size , right ? conciously or subconsiously, being in your mind or being spoken aloud , you HAVE judged a person by the way they look physically . this whole "thin" thing is really controversial , and i know there are many inspiraring people out there who defend the fat people, but seriously , lets just face it. The whole "slim is better to look at" slogan has always won the debate and always will . It has already brainwashed the majority minds of the people in the world.  there are still designers who only design for the slim , there are too many artists, celebrities and models who are very beautiful and show off their hot body to the world - which has made a huge impact towards peoples opinions about this issue . and it is because this reason ! we see these people in outifts that we love , and then we admit that THEY LOOK GOOD because it is their size of their body !  I mean , i adore and inspire women who are GOOD curvy like jordin sparks , who seem to look beautiful in everything they wear, but unfortunetly , some CURVES aren't just as good as others , and those people dont look as great as others . so there , i may sound like im turning into a conformist but i'm just stating facts . back to my own problem , i just want to be slimmer because for my own personal reasons. I have friends who are also self concious and i blame the world for this . the idea of beautiful has changed , and so , fat people lose their confidence . and some of these people want to lose weight because they too want to feel good, be confident for once , and stop being insulted . so just let them lose weight! some people i know always get angry at the idea of me wanting to lose weight because they think that its stupid how im influenced by what others say about me . but the truth is,  im sick of having to find clothes that i love but dont fit me . im sick of nasty comments i get from guys and girls about my size . im sick of being self concious about my body . Thats why i want to change so that i will feel GOOD and be CONFIDENT for once - to also have that feeling that I TOO, AM BEAUTIFUL . because every girl of course wants to be beautiful , not be seen as some fat-so who wears social suicide clothes . so seriously , thats how i feel . i want to change, because for once.. i want to have that feeling of feeling good about myself and be happy for my whole life .

i think they are all my confessions for now . i'm sure there's more in my head , but those 6 things are the major topics stuck in my head . excuse the essay that i just wrote about the whole losing weight thing . as you probably notice, im not that great at expressing my ideas.. but im sure you get my point . please dont view it as a negative thing.. i just want to let out the kinds of feeling a 'fat or chubby' girl may have in this world . how they lose their self esteem at anything . and you might not even notice that they are feeling it inside their hearts . and for those who tease fat girls , please just stop . they already feel sad enough about having to face with reality . some girls just have really bad metabolism (like me! xp ) while others have fabulous metabolisms . so deal with it . no need to kill a girl's confidence by insulting comments okay ? im already annoyed at Indonesia's society for already being overly judgemental about fat people . so yeahhh .

anyways , until next time :) xxxxxxxxx