I just had a 1.5 hour heart-to-heart friendship talk with malanu at school ♥ I'm not sure what had triggered me to start the conversation, but I guess it just came out unintentionally. Like seriously, cuz she told me that she was about to go back to her dorm... but then I insisted for her to stay in the library with me... and yeah suddenly as I was doing my math... it just came out of my mouth and I blurted out the question - "Malanu, what do you feel about our friendship? Like all of us.. (you me ashley emma tambie wafi and fauzan) ?" and then ... that's when it all started.. we talked and talked... until when we were holding hands, the friendly librarian came over and asked what was going on , and we told her we were having a friendship talk, and so she smiled and said - awwh.. alright , thats a must. continue :)

I'm not sure what I really feel at the moment. I mean, I feel a little relieved to have poured my heart out to Malanu. And I guess I shared my feelings with her, because she's just so... innocent. She's like the right person to talk to. And at the end of the day, we both realised that she is like the connector between all of us.  She's the only one who is less bitchy than everyone else. Because she's the most innocent (except for the suggesting of the name Rhino :P hahahaha) and yeah I guess she never thinks the worst of people, especially her friends. So she's really kind-hearted you know. Me and Ash were so proud of her for getting picked into becoming SRC :) and we think that she deserves it. We even said that if there was a role for leadership in hospitality or an award for the kindest-hearted person, she should get it. ♥ hehe.. love you malanu...

Anyway.. after sharing stories to each other, on the other side of me, I feel upset at some of the things I heard from today.. and I don't know how to really word this.. I feel a lot of regret from the email that I sent to my friends last week because it has caused such a misunderstanding between us all. I feel so depressed that because of my harsh email, my best friends, who i considered to be all as my own sisters, have judged me in return. I can't blame them for feeling upset after they had read my email... but I'm left speechless after hearing what mean thoughts they had of me.. I don't know what to say... or what I'm supposed to say.



But I reassure you all that when I blocked my blog, I had no intention, no thoughts and no need to bitch-blog about you guys.


That was not the reason why I put my blog on private. The reason why I put it on private was because my life at that time (at home and at school) was in chaos, so I felt lazy to have all the attention from my blog, and also making the effort of actually blogging about anything anymore. And throughtout all, if I HAD blogged bitchy thoughts about you guys, what benefit would I get from doing that anyway? Why would I do something as horrible as that? I consider of you all as my bestfriends, my sisters.. I thought that you would have known me better. - Or am I wrong? Maybe that was what you thought I was. Maybe you guys really thought that my character was as mean as you thought it would be. It also really hurt me when I was told that you guys thought that it was chicken of me to not say those things to your face, but instead, i sent my harsh words through email. *sigh* . Again, another misunderstanding. Believe me, if I was told that notice from Mr Hong while i was present at school, I would have told you guys to your face. I'm not that sort of person who only attacks people though online. Again, this makes me upset of what kind of impression you guys as my friends, have, of my personality. I hope you guys dont get offended at me saying this either. because I accept the fact that it was a human thing to do, when you all judged me last week, so expect the most human reaction reply from me .. because I am also human and it is not abnormal for me to feel upset like this. Please dont misunderstand what I'm trying to say. This doesn't mean that I hate you guys. But as a human, I think it's normal for someone to feel like this after being judged... 

I beg you guys... please forgive me for sending that harsh email to you in the first place. You had every right to get angry and I guess it's human that you all judged me too. However I also beg you guys... to trust me. I would never do all of the mean things that you thought of. Before God, I am here to say that I never wrote any bitchy note about you guys when I put my blog on private. I never wrote that email in the first place for absolutely no reason. Please trust me guys... I had my reasons for that email and I can explain to you all tomorrow if you are reading this right now. I really do appologise and I regret writing that email in the first place. I don't want this sort of misunderstanding between our friendship to happen ever again. You guys mean a lot to me, and I don't ever want to lose you.. Please... let me have my say whenever you feel comfortable to talk to me about this, sometime this week.. I love you , my dear sisters... I blame my selfish attitude for this all. I admit that it was jealously that partly caused it. I was so stressed out in the last two weeks and I guess exactly at that moment, my patience level burst after hearing news from my dad about the Indo Year book  thing. My stress level just exploded because each day, it just kept piling up. 50% was stress due to the amount of school work on my shoulders so it caused me to suffer through severe sleep deprivation, and the other 50% was depression/anger/stress due to the indo exchange program which destroyed the relationship of my family for 2 weeks. And believe me, if Mr Hong didnt tell me about that news on that day, I would have never exploded. But it was too late and unfortunetly I let out all my stress onto you guys.. I'm really sorry. Sincerely sorry.

Though from all of this drama, I have found the moral to it all. 

The first one is the previous image I posted above. and here is the second:

Everyone in this world has a mean side inside of them, no matter how close one friendship may appear... It is not as pure as it seems.. every one in this world is imperfect, and there is nobody in this world who you can trust. There is only one exception, He is - Lord Jesus. I pray that he will forgive me for starting this whole friendship problem, and I ask for forgiveness because I wrote such harsh words to my friends. I ask that he may give me a softer, patient heart, so that despite all the problems that are happening outside of my school life, I can pretend that theres nothing wrong towards my friends and classmates, and so that will prevent me from letting out my anger on them, because that wont do any good. It will only make life worse. I wish that he can teach me to kill my own feelings, so that it wont make me have the feeling or need to express it to anyone, as it will only start a commotion. When problems arrive, dont turn to anyone but God. I believe, that he knows whenever I am upset. He see's every tear that falls down along my face. I don't know if my friends will believe in my story, but I don't care, so long as God knows the truth. He knows exactly what I felt that day, and what had caused me to write that email. All I care about now, is that my dear friends will believe me... and that they will trust me more, and of course, to forgive me. I would appreciate if we remind one another if we make mistakes, so that we can improve. Trust , open-ness and forgiveness is all very important in every friendship. I would rather be told the truth, than to not be told anything and left wondering around about what state our friendship is in. You do realise that I have feelings as well, so every cold reaction you gave me last week, I felt it all , you know.... and I think THAT kind of feeling hurts me more than if I found out the reason why you guys were acting like that. Sure if you guys confronted me, I would have cried or something. But I would rather cry and know the truth, than to not know anything and feel that sense of awkwardness, that angry silence that falls in between us, and feeling isolated like that -  every day. It hurts me every time I think of what you guys thought of me, but I forgive you all. We are all human so we make mistakes all the time. and i know that in every friendship there will always be fights, but no fight is worth dwelling on.. because I believe that our friendship is worth a whole much more. I'm really sincerely sorry once again.. and I promise to never repeat the same mistake ever again. 

I promise.